Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane