My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
When I laugh on my period
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady