If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
You Might Also Like
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
The prophecy is fulfilled
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
LOOOOOOL
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!