How about daylight saves us for once
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Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.