Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
True statement👍😏😁
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.