what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Catering service
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
me logging onto twitter
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.