I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
is this store having a stroke wtf
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off