I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My plans: 2020:
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
waiting for halloween be like:
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”