[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.