[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’d use my best pan on you.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.