You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Truth
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
There’s only one good girl here!