WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”