All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop