My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”