I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them