Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.