FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
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My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog