[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
You Might Also Like
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
still the best tweet of the year by far
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Sharon, call the vet
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.