Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.