“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
She: I like Cats
He:
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Today’s Times
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.