me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: