I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved