Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Leaving the Barbers like
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it