“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything