What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday