I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
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No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I beg your pardon?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Noah
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs