Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
This is always good for a laugh.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.