New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…