Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia