Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Traveler’s camo
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Nice try, poison.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.