I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
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Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Have a lovely day 😊
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Pretty certain I can more drunk