I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Schrödinger’s cookie