A dead goose is called a ghoost
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.