Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist