I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
You Might Also Like
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I can’t deal with men any longer
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Hmm, not sure about this change
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”