Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I’m aging like a fine banana
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
road rage
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.