“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Stop sending me this shit.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?