WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)