Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“HELP WITH CAT”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food