being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
S M O L
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext