If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this