I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.