If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Comparing yourself to others
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Oh my god
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi