Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Who’s your best friend?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going