You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
You Might Also Like
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*