If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
You Might Also Like
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food