Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*