Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
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Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Nice try, poison.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding