[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Growing out my freckles.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.