Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.